The Great Eastern Sun

I woke up to this fabulous strand of sunrise flashing through the clouds. I hopped out of bed, grabbed my camera and took the photo. Now, the sky is completely cloudy, but the birds were just singing.

Early morning sunrises and the bird song of spring make me giddy with the feeling of hope and possibility. They Obamamize me. I just heard the black-capped chicadees' mating call which is my all-time favourite sound. It makes me think of my beloved grandmother Evi and our annual shared excitement for green shoots, spring blossoms and bird song. It reminds me that it's about time to plant sweet peas in her memory. It's funny to be writing in real time...I think that is what "twittering" is though I'm way too wordy likely to fit the true definition.

Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche used the Great Eastern Sun as a metaphor for liberation. It is always rising, and "there is always the potential for human beings to discover their own goodness and the sacredness of the world" (p. xvi of The Great Eastern Sun).

I instinctively have that response to sunrises...they excite me in a way that sunsets don't. Sunsets for me are a bit like a dozen long-stemmed hot-house grown, smell-devoid red roses. Sunrises for me are snow drops in the snow, purple crocuses in the grass, cherry blossoms and magnolia buds. Sunrises say "I made it through yesterday and today can be a completely different day."

Sunrises remind me of the famous Goethe quote:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

Do I commit to the possibility of this day or do I hang on to the difficulties of yesterday. Right now with the kids asleep in their rooms, Sadie asleep at my feet, me sitting up in bed, green tea beside me, looking out on the ocean, Stanley Park, Downtown and the snow-capped North Shore mountains, I have a choice and it is one that I will make and make and make and make and make all day long.

My body now is so sensitive that I get instant feedback when a situation or my emotions are dis-ease creating. I need to figure out how to keep my heart open but be protected from experiences that cause distress. I don't know how to do that in the moment.

Last night the kids and I had dinner together for the first time in a week...I actually cooked (not one but three different meals) and we sat together, my beloved candle/Zack's first metalwork project lit. It almost did me in but felt so essential...being together at the table, eating food that was made with love, having the space to talk. It was awkward at first and I had to really get intense and demand that we have a relaxing meal with no teasing or lousy table manners but we got there and all fell into a mood of pleasure at being in each other's company. Charlotte had just found out the Zack's high school offers dance as an elective. She asked Zack if he would ever do dance (her passion) and he said he would if she did hockey (his passion). Charlotte said that she felt sorry for him for some of the strengthening and stretching that he would have to do and he said that that would be a great adjunct for his goalie training. Zack punched his abs to show that he already had abs of steel and I told the kids about a friend in high school who was always wanting us to take hits on his abs. Zack said "Yeah, it doesn't hurt when you're expecting it but it sure does when you're not."

So that's my question: How can I drop my well-honed defenses and live as a kinder, gentler Zoё--Kelly ix-nayed the term "more feminine" as I think she thought that would involve tea parties with extruding pinkies--without getting sucker punched?