The hardest part of this whole living with cancer deal is keeping cool in the face of what might be a wee glitch or might be the beginning of the no-holds-barred, beginning-of-the-end downward slide.
Last night I was supposed to go to BBF (Beloved Best Friend) Dolly's 60th birthday bash. I had been on the fence about it for weeks, knowing that I was going to be going the next day (today) on retreat and unsure how I would feel after chemo episode #1. Dolly came to hang out with me at the Cancer Agency on Wednesday as I received my happy bones IV and I surprised her with her birthday gifts and then we both played hooky and had a quick lunch and sunbath at Go Fish. It was very carpe diem and happy and fun. I told her that I wanted to pop in to her party the next night but when I woke up from my nap yesterday afternoon feeling lousy I called Dolly to say that I wasn't up to coming after all. I had a rough night's sleep and as I sat up I started to cough. My mouth filled with what I thought was mucous but it was blood...dark red clots of blood. I coughed again. More blood. My mind was racing looking around at my bathroom, my half-packed suitcase for my week on retreat, trying to think of how this might not be a scary thing and what to do next. I concluded that whether I was going on retreat or whether I was going to the hospital, I should have a shower. So I did that then fired up the computer to send an email to my incredible oncologist. Then I went and put sheets in the wash and dryer, getting ready for Laura and Tom to stay either while I was on retreat or in the hospital, happy that the kids were sleeping in (pro-D day at their schools) and went to have my green tea and read the newspapers. I sent a second email to Karen G. to say that I had since coughed up clear mucous and was hoping that that was a very good sign. She emailed me back and said that it was and cc'd one of the core Callanish people going on retreat who is a palliative care doctor. Reading Karen's email that all was fine and wishing me a wonderful retreat I experienced a flood of emotions and burst out crying. All the fear and uncertainty had been held at bay while I needed the mind to function but once the pressure was off I was awash in a complex swell of relief and dismay.
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